Preemptive Retaliation

So in about two months from writing, I will have the first page-ish of my book, Francine is a Robot, published in a literary magazine. First Page Literature is an outfit based out of Berlin, and they’re publishing the first page of the novel I’ve been working on for the past two years.

I can update the things i have done page. Look at me go!

My response to this has been a muted one, but I don’t know how else to react to it. When I received the email I initially dismissed it as a polite thanks-but-no-thanks, which has become all too common with stories I send out. But then when I actually read the words, and it was congratulating me, my first thought was, no joke, ‘oh no, they must not have had many submissions,’ and then, ‘oh no, they’re all bad,’ which is such a bizarre thing to think out loud to yourself. How low is my self confidence, how prevalent is my imposter syndrome, that I cannot accept that something I wrote – something that I enjoyed writing, and that I chose to submit, to put out there, so represent myself, that I’m proud of – that I cannot accept something I wrote being enjoyed by another person. Immediately I went back to the piece I submitted, as if to test my own hypothesis, and on first read I hated it. I saw all its flaws, how it fell flat, how the sentences could be tighter. Awful. No idea how I got through. But then I calmed down and gave myself space. Took a breath and had a drink and spoke to my wife, and reread it. And, you know what? I still don’t like it. It could be better. Easier. Smarter. But I do see its charm. I see its wit. I can see how other people like it. That’s a step in the right direction.

And, get this, I can legitimately say that in a few months time – I will be an internationally published writer. I’m full of childish glee.