Preemptive Retaliation

Time is marching on. It is almost the end of November, which gives way into the heady, heavy rush that is December, and then before you know it we’re in January and nothing is the same. December and January have always been a time of great reflection for me which is quite common, I know, but something I’ve leaned into these past few years. How many books have I read? How many videogames? How many words have I written, and how many of them were good? How much weight have I lost or gained, how much money have I spent, how much progression have I made in my career, how much quality time have I spent with my children – and so on and so on. I read a book once that imagined different afterlives, and one of them was a data-led afterlife, where you could see all your stats laid in front of you; how long you slept, how many times you fell in love, how many times you blinked. I’ve always been intrigued by this idea, of quantifying my life, but it’s only when typing this that I realise this could equally be a version of heaven or hell.

It’s a poor time of year to think really reflect on these things anyway. The changing of clocks and darkening of the days messes me up something awful. For the past few weeks I’ve been having a hard time engaging with the things I enjoy – namely writing, videogames, and reading. They all turn into a chore, and the thing I look forward to at the end of a day is instead filled with bored frustration. I spoke with a friend and explained what I was feeling, surmising that I must be depressed. He just told me that I had SAD which honestly checks a lot of boxes. I love the darker months. I love the cosiness of the indoors, made all the better for the dark nights. I love staying up late with a warm whisky and coorying in under the covers. I love soft golden lights on Christmas trees, and sticking my hands into rough gloves, and the smell of cold mornings. BUT, it turns out my biology hates it and yearns for the sun. Hopefully I’ll adjust, like getting over a prolonged jet lag.

On the definite plus side – I finally pushed my way through that difficult chapter that I’ve been struggling on for literally months. I was worried that my next chapter would be tough to move into, but I’m already a few pages in and it is quite simply a breeze. I know I’ll have to go back to the sloggy chapter, and I know I have more sloggy chapters to get through in due course, but for now I’m enjoying the smooth downhill of this chapter, and not hating my writing. Which is nice.