Preemptive Retaliation

I’m not really into Dark Souls. I’ve tried it three times in total – going so far as ringing the first bell, which is pretty early on in the game by all accounts. All in all I had about twenty hours in it before putting it to rest. I bought it on sale and was enticed by the memey aspect of “Prepare to Die – a lot” which was the tagline. And I did die. A lot. And I didn’t like it.

Which is why I’m surprised that I like Celeste so much. I picked it up again after a recent blog from the creator recontextualised the main character’s journey, and I wanted to see how the interpretation affects the story, and of course I was immediately hooked in the game again. After about eighteen hundred deaths, I was still loving it. In fact, I was reveling in it. Between each level there’s a title card that says “Don’t be worried about your death count! Treat it as a badge of honour!” or something like that. And I really took that message to heart. When I completed a level with over 800 deaths, I didn’t despair. I was quite proud of it actually. 800 times I failed, and 801 times I went back to try again.

I’m trying to think about what the difference is between it and Dark Souls, aside the obvious. Maybe it was the amazing soundtrack or bright visuals that tickled the right part of my brain. Maybe it was the speed of the try-fail-try-succeed cycle compared to the patient slog of the other. Maybe I just like the game better.

Still, just like Dark Souls, I gave up on Celeste.

I gave it a fair whack. I completed all the base levels and got their Hearts. I completed all the harder, B-Side version of the levels too, and gathered enough of the hidden collectibles to get the quote unquote good ending. For the first time, I tried the new level added at the end of the game, the “Farewell” level. And it. is. hard. Very hard. I don’t have a final counter for my deaths, but I would be surprised if it was less than a thousand, and that’s not even completing the level yet. In fact, I’m sure I’ve died a few hundred times in one room, and that’s not even the room I gave up on. It is hard.

But I was enjoying it. I was enjoying the challenge of figuring out the puzzle and then pulling it off, trying and failing so many times that my thumbs would work on autopilot as I worked out the rote movements – only to have to learn a new routine for the next room. It was great and satisfying, until it wasn’t.

There was just this one room, this one innocuous room out of the dozens before it that I was struggling with. I knew the solution but I just couldn’t pull it off. I tried and tried over three nights, just on this room. At the end of the third night, bashing my head against the wall, I gave up. I put the game down, and I’m not going back to it.

I keep thinking about my novel, the ill-fated detective novel. That’s the novel that’s ill-fated, but I suppose the detective was ill-fated too.

Maybe this is a product of getting older, or maybe this adventure of struggling to write a novel over 5 years, but I just don’t want to spend time on things that I clearly don’t enjoy anymore. I played through Mario Odyssey recently, and grabbed every single moon possible – except for the ones where you had to grind for coins. I played through Donkey Kong Country 1 and 2 too, and I searched and scrambled for the secret coins – until it became a chore and I couldn’t be bothered any more. On a rare free morning, I spent a few hours working through Telling Lies which is an excellent form of narrative, but I finished after grabbing maybe two thirds of the story.

Still, just because I gave up on them doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy them, or that I haven’t learned anything form them. In fact, it is needed – if I didn’t give up on these things, how long would I have continued playing them with a bitter taste in my mouth? How much of the fun and good times would be tainted by the slog I subjected myself to?

Giving up is a good thing. Giving up is a healthy thing to do.

I might go back to Celeste one day – it is an incredible game – but not now. Now I am content with my victories, the hearts, the strawberries, the tough levels vanquished. I feel I have a sense of pride and accomplishment. But still, I might go back to it. But I will give up on many other games before I do so.